It is really funny how missed up life could get! I’ve never wished I was dead this much before! I pray everyday for god to take me! It maybe me acting silly, but god I would give anything to not go to school or have to face anyone at school! It is just way too stressful how my ******* future could…
If I may, ellenlover1998, I must tell you I was the same way. I failed countless tests, disappointed my mom in ways I couldn’t have even imagined, and stressed for hours on end about how I was going to make it all work. I couldn’t console myself, I was lost, I was drifting between hatred for the school system and frustration as to why I couldn’t perform the way I was expected to. It was a lonely, difficult few years. I watched my friends get awards and succeed in ways I could have only dreamed of, I watched the world go on around me while I was barely present, lost in my own failures. I can’t tell you what changed or even what precipitated the change, but I remember every clearly reaching a point where I was emotionless towards everything. I stopped caring. I retrieved into the only world I knew could ever understand me: my head, the world I created, where I and no one else had access to. I started to grow indifferent to my failures, to view them as the past and nothing more because even though my faith in everything was shattered, I never lost faith in myself- my hope was dwindling, but never completely lost and never completely out of reach. I didn’t notice that, of course… not until much, much later, but that isn’t important. I had too much pride in myself to allow such a faulty system- in my eyes- to win over me, to destroy my last shred of whatever weak hope I had. And so, I stopped looking at people, stopped giving them my envy, stopped caring about them, I convinced myself I was better somehow, even though my grades clearly didn’t reflect that.. but it was all I had. I discovered books during this time, found myself in the voices of dead authors, in the vibrant and living souls of the ageless characters they depicted. I read anything and everything I could- fiction, non-fiction, autobiographies, you name it, I’ve seen or touched it during my countless hours spent at the library. And during this time, I discovered a similarity between every successful person deemed successful by our society, by our schools. Some of them, like Einstein, for example, failed and failed until the teachers where forced by their lack of understanding to deem him “incompetent”, “stupid”. Now we know very well today that Einstein was FAR from what they deemed him to be, from that seal of rejection he received from those who were meant to encourage him, teach him, even love him. It is my conviction that even though he was born with an extraordinary mind, that he simply didn’t find his calling in school, he found it in his escape, in his mind, in the books he would invest him time into. He even gave us the quote, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” And that, my friend, is the point I believe you have reached. Now, I’m not calling you Einstein or even alluding that anyone who struggles has the capabilities he had, but the system we live in isn’t meant for everyone, and we shouldn’t judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. We can’t get rid of something so deeply rooted, but we can recognize that not everyone is meant to climb that tree, and just because you aren’t, you shouldn’t go trying to change something that 9 times out of 10 isn’t in your power to change. I encourage you to escape, to escape in the smart way. Turn your attention to your strengths, and you have some, I know you do. Go hard at those, believe in that, the universe will guide you to where you are meant to be, believe that! Believe that with all your heart! I am NO WHERE NEAR where I was during my elementary school days and you know what, I’m not even close to what I was in 9th grade- and that wasn’t that long ago! I’m changing and growing better and better every single day and I’ll bet you any sum of money that you are too.. the system can’t show you that when it’s corrupt as it is, you have to believe in that yourself, you have to believe in you. I’m here to tell you that if nothing else, I understand your struggle, I hear your struggle, I have experience shit myself… but you can’t give up. Life goes on and on with or without you, and in the macro sense, who cares if you fuck up a little! Who cares if you aren’t what is expected of you! None of the best people who ever lived conformed or apologized for their failures! They magnified their strengths, focused on the gifts they were given. You need to find your passion in life, find your strength and don’t look back! Never look back! You did what you did, great, I’m proud of you for trying, but you can’t stop now! No. No, don’t you dare stop. You are here for a long, long time and I’m excited to see you change and develop and make something of yourself. I’m on your side, you just call on me… I’m here for you. I feel you, don’t forget that. Keep your head up, carry on with what you’re doing, nothing is worthless if its used to better yourself, no matter how many times you fail, you just need to find your way, your passion, your escape, and fuck everything else. Trust me. You’ll be so much happier you did… Don’t give up. Never, not for one second.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this and how it actually made me feel better, but I am surrounded by ppl who ARE actually smart! I am not talking about friends, I don’t envy thim I am happu for them, but I am talking about my family, my dad who is a math genius his father who took a medal from the president at the time for BEING SMART and his achivements in school, my family expects me to BE a genius, and I can’t dissapoint them not after what my dad had to do to give me this kind of education, I can’t live with people’s judgements when they know my mark or what uni. my marks will get me into after all. And you where telling me to focus on my strengths, but what if it is not enough!? What if it I am best at the things that can’t really get me to a college like dentistry, and I am 100% sure my dad wouldn’t be so proud of his “Artist” daughter and no uni. Would accept a colour blind only black anf white artist to be their graduate! My family won’t go around telling everyone here is our daughter she is an artist/singer traaaaa! No no she is not a doctor or an engineer she is an artis/singer EXACTLY what we wanted her to be, NOT.